The other day I did something I don’t usually do; I watched daytime TV while I ate my lunch. And I’m very glad I did. Because now I know that Dr Phil is here to help.
Up until this point I thought drugs, alcohol and Fairy Godmothers were the only options.
But I soon discovered that Dr Phil can help turn every challenge into a valuable life experience – or as his skilled marketing team put it on his website banner: A crisis may change your life. But it doesn’t need to ruin it.
I found this eloquent turn of phrase rather prudent, and wondered why I hadn’t asked myself sooner – self, do you want to remain crippled by crisis, or rise out of the ruins?
I think knew the answer.
But how could I get on the show so that Dr Phil could help me?
Thankfully, the home page had a checklist.
Know a serial killer? X
Argue with a mate over a dog? X
Send back adopted kid? X
Throwing your life away on football? X
Arguing with spouse over the dog? X
I was striking out on all counts and my hopes started to deflate, until I found the section on his website titled “ I want Dr Phil’s help”.
Scanning down this page I came to appreciate just how thoughtful a man Dr Phil’s really is, because straight off the bat there was a list of emergency services numbers for people in ‘life threatening situations’. It was obvious that people under extreme threat would probably click through Phil’s website to locate the required number, but the fact that he so humbly hands genuine emergency situations over to qualified professionals, really was a pleasant surprise, and deepened my respect for the man.
After briefly reflecting on whether or not I did in fact need the fire, police or ambulance services, and deciding – no, I carried on my quest to secure Dr Phil’s help with even greater determination.
And it’s a good thing I did, because then I found this:
“Nearly every guest on the show starts with a letter or e-mail to us, and we look forward to your thoughts, comments, concerns and stories”
By gingo, that’s it!” I thought, “I’ll write a letter”. But before I got set to navigate away from this page, I did a quick check to see I had everything I needed;
Emergency service numbers – check
Address to post letter to Dr Phil’s – check
Supplier of Dr Phil’s wardrobe (the final information section on the “I want Dr Phil’s help” page) – check
And then I sat down to pen the following letter…
Dear Dr Phil,
My brother is married to someone who is certifiable. That means I’m, technically, related to a fucking nutcase. Not that she would be the first in the family, my parents are nutters too, but they skilfully cover this up with excessive alcohol consumption. My sister is also on the crazy side of sane but has somehow managed to fly under the radar and works in our public health system in a professional capacity, which does not make her a minority, but it does make her dangerous.
The other day things unravelled rather spectacularly when my sister in law decided to ‘sort my old man out’ which loosely translated into an inter-generational fisty cuffs.
Needless to say we all dealt with the only way we knew how: We went to pub and got shit faced drunk. Then we came home and did some ‘sweeping under the carpet’ (its getting rather lumpy under there let me tell you!)
And as if that’s not enough, I just discovered your “ Five Factors of a Phenomenal Family”, and it appears my family and I fail on all counts.
For example, I see here under “Factor 1: Create a Nurturing and Accepting Family System” that you have provided a helpful “to-do” list including “Bring out the authenticity of every family member by recognizing people’s unique skills”. I am wondering if celebrating my sister in law’s mastery of the ‘seize and attack’, and the ability of my father to open his gullet wider than a pelican in order to skull down beer, would be a good place to start with this?
We don’t seem to fairing too well with “Factor 2: Promote Rhythm in Your Family Life” either, and in fact I am not quite sure if this means we should all learn to play a musical instrument, and ‘jam’ together in order to promote harmony?
Perhaps this is a point we can clarify on the show.
Now while we do have rituals, as factor 3 encourages: “Factor 3: Establish Meaningful Rituals and Traditions”, I’m not really sure if they are what you had in mind? For example when you suggest celebrating baptism or bar mitzvah, does it have to be going to the Mitzvah Bar to count? Or can we just go to any bar?
You also suggest the telling of family stories at special get togethers, and I am wondering if my Aunty telling my other Aunty that she was having an affair with her husband at Christmas lunch one year counts on this front? Because if not there is always that story my Dad tells about turning up to the wrong church for his own wedding…
Now although we haven’t faired well with your list so far, I must say that “Factor 4: Be Active in Your Communication” is probably our strongest point. We really are all very skilled at ‘talking with our hands’, whereby we accompany our communication with flailing arms, sticking up our fingers, or, in the case of my sister in law, sitting on someone in order to win an argument.
So we may be able to just skip this point on the show
It will leave us more time for “Factor 5: Learn How to Manage Crisis” where I am sure you will no doubt be of great assistance since we tend to ‘manage’ a crisis like a pack of toddlers on a sugar rush ‘manage’ to tear apart a playground apart.
So there you have it Dr Phil, my families ‘story’ of dysfunction. I think it will translate well for television, and if necessary I could invite the in-laws to stage a reenactment of the fight with my old man, if that will increase the appeal of having us on as guests?
I wait your reply with baited breath,
Gratefully yours,
RTS
PS – I just did the “Are you a Racist?” test from your website, and I think it only fair to warn you that it appears I am one, based on the fact that I answered “Australians” to every question…
Dr Phil’s Test
Are stereotypes embedded in your views of other races? If you can finish the following sentences, consider how stereotypes may be affecting how you think of people of other races and cultures.
People in this ethnic group do not know how to drive very well:
People in this ethnic group are really good at math:
People in this ethnic group talk really loud all the time:
People in this ethnic group tend to be lazy:
People in this ethnic group always talk in another language:
People in this ethnic group tend to be racist:
People in this ethnic group think they are better than others:
People in this ethnic group play sports and are good dancers:
People in this ethnic group speak more freely about their sexuality:
Males in this ethnic group are better lovers:
People in this ethnic group are shy and closed about their feelings:
Women in this ethnic group are easy:
People in this ethnic group practice strange customs:
If you believe in all the stereotypes, you may be judging people first, rather than giving them a chance
Damn, I’ve made a horrible mistake then. I started with the heroin and crack use over a year ago (didn’t know about the ‘arguing about the dog’ option) just to get to meet the great sage. Damn.
I did great on the racism test though; I got 11 out of 13.
This was hilarious!
Thanks Scott, I love getting comment compliments from a dude as sharp as yourself! Anyway, my advice would be to stick with the crack addiction, every man and his dog are fighting these days, so its pays to be original, and besides, just think of all the blog content you could milk out of it; the ‘life and times of a real life crack addict’ and so forth, people love that shit…
Well, that makes me feel better about my crazy family!
Wasn’t Dr Phil the guy who “helped” Britney when she had her meltdown?…
Well, if he was he has done a bloody good job so far – i havent seen her disgrace the front of a magazine in ages! Imagine what he can do for me….
Nicely done Ruby and funny as well!!
So, its true, Australians are good at math??
Cheers, mate.
Good on ya FJ! Thanks for the you beaut comment. Too right we are good at maths, but you may notice from the comment below, that there is some debate on the love making front. Glad you popped by mate, you know, at your site a picture tells a thousand tales, over here I’ve got try and write the bloody things, so i’m really pleased to get the thumbs up so far, tough job
Wow. That’s some letter. I think Dr Phil will embrace you all on his show, as well as put on extra bodies on his security detail.
PS. I’m not sure all Australian males are good lovers. But then again, maybe *I’m* the problem. Yes, that must be it. Perhaps I should write Dr Phil my own letter.
Thanks NDM! It is always nice to see you over here, and I especially pleased to hear that you think Dr Phil will have me on the show.
Get cracking on that letter of your own and maybe we can make it together for a special ‘australian’ edition, whereby we look into some of that nasty stereotyping we inflict on our own race – poor lovers you say, bad drivers i say….
oh dear, daytime tv. Next stop Oprah 😦
I know, I better put the brakes on quick or I’ll be reading trashy mags, quoting Judge Judy and hiring re runs of the Bold and the Beautiful from the local video store….
I seriously can’t breathe…
(It may have something to do with my self-diagnosed asthma, but that’s besides the point).
I have a feeling that you and I might be related, like those people who don’t realize they are twins but have the exact same thoughts go through their mind when they do things like peruse Dr. Phil’s website.
(I’m not sure what the medical term is for that, but the next time I get a sharp pain in my side for no reason, I’ll assume you were in an accident and call one of the numbers on Dr. Phil’s website.)
This was funny sh*t, rubytwoshoes.
Oh, and FYI I must be racist too, I answered “My neighbors” to every question…
Well, now that you mention it, I always have had the feeling that something is missing from my life…And after seeing your last spectacular post about advertising at the same time that I was pondering the absurdity of the ads I was viewing on TV, I really am convinced – I am just going to check what my father was getting up to when he went on that *work holiday* all those years ago…
You are really lucky too, living next door to hot lovers that are groovy dancers and really easy to bed!
Thanks Bschooled, for making me a very happy lady today!
I fucking love it!! I think you should actually send it in.
Dr. Phil knows his stuff. Don’t let that Britney hiccup alter your opinion of him. He really does change lives…
send it in!!
I feel bad about laughing at your family, but your post is so funny. I’ll keep an eye out for your on Dr Phil, when is this show on? From the sound of the website, it must be incredible (incredibly strange).